APPROVED AND RECOMMENDED BY GUIDO THIRION!
With this baseballbat you'll hit 3 times harder than with the best classical bat, guaranteed. This hi-tech device, designed after years of research, allows even the weakest persons to smash a skull with just one blow. Even for ordinary sport purposes this bat is extremely handy. We did the test with a few baseball amateurs, and they managed to hit the ball at least 300 meters far. Whether this device will be allowed at baseball matches by the international baseball league has not been decided yet. In any case, if it will, the current baseball courts may have to be tripled in surface.
With a normal bat, one can only increase the hitting strength by moving faster. The maximum velocity of impact with the ball is limited by the maximum speed one can reach by moving the bat. That's why this bat has a built-in system allowing to store additional energy which can be released at the moment of the blow. This allows to superimpose an additional "swing" motion of the bat itself onto your own swinging motion! This system consists of two heavy-duty chromium-plated steel springs. You only see one spring at the outside, the second one is built into the handle (see the bottom of this page for a cross-section image).
When the bat accelerates, the upper part swerves, it's held by inertia. This causes the springs to stretch (see upmost figure at the right). As soon as you have reached your stationery "swinging speed", the acceleration will fall to zero and the springs will start to contract again, causing a kind of "whip-effect" (see lower image at the right). Now if you can hit your target right at the moment when this supplemental swinging motion is at its maximum, the bat's effective speed will be your own speed + the extra speed of the swinging top! And thus the bat slams into your target with an enormous force!
You should understand that it'll take some exercise to master the right technique, as your timing must be perfect. But your satisfaction will increase as your technique improves.
The built-in springs are not the only technical improvement. As you can see on the picture on the left, the bat's surface is covered with a structure that is similar to the one on a golf ball. The picture below illustrates what happens to air streaming along both a normal bat and a turbo-bat during a windtunnel simulation.
With the conventional one, a vacuum is created behind the bat, causing drag. With the Turbo-bat, the air spreads more evenly around it, eliminating the vacuum + drag! So, with the same efforts higher speeds can be reached.
To make batting more comfortable, the handle is covered with a rubber coating with SuperGrip™ texture. The bat is produced with extra-hard tropical wood. The top is made slightly heavier with lead and the mechanics are made out of stainless steel. Since we are environmentally conscient, the wood comes from grown trees, and the steel and lead are recycled, as is the rubber.
It is sufficient, when using the bat intensively, to lubricate its mechanics each month, preferably with a teflon-graphite-based grease.
If you don't like dirty blood stains on your bat, no problem: the bat is covered with a stone-hard teflon lacquer, so that even the most obstinate dirt can be removed with the greatest of ease.
P.S.: although this is a joke like most of the ‘weird stuff’ on this site, and it may just look funny, both techniques described in this text have actually been tested in the real world. The “golf ball” structure indeed has been proven to reduce drag and has been successfully tested on a real bat, and the spring system has been used in an experimental tennis racket. If anyone feels like building this kind of bat and trying it, I would like to know the results!