Warning: although these texts are not meant to be taken seriously at all, they do contain extreme and exaggerated gore, violence and cruelty against people of all age groups and animals. They are unsuitable for children under 16 years and other susceptible persons. Before reading any of these stories, first read the warning about the Weird Stuff section, and the disclaimer.

Guido Thirion in the Supermarket

(Originally written in mirror script)

Guido Thirion went to the supermarket because his stock of "bulkfood" was used up. For bulkfood is his favourite meal. What it exactly is, nobody knows, but Guido does. What we do know, is that he can get quite fractious when he's hungry, and you'll find a rich illustration of this in the next story.
He came slamming in at the parking lot at a speed of 120 km per hour (74.5 mph), and a defenceless little child playing there, splattered all over his armoured windscreen. Luckily, Guido had special screen wipers, of a type that is used on terrain cars which drive through muddy pools frequently.
Since he didn't find a spot to settle his car, he drove straight into the shed that covers the shopping trolleys. All of them were smashed and distorted, and the remains were squeezed out at the back of the shed. So there were no trolleys left for Guido. He almost couldn't get out of his car, for the scrap was in the way. So he grabbed his chainsaw and sawed himself a way out, with the diamond chain that he got from his wife (Mieke Thirion) for his birthday. The chain sliced through the iron bars as if they were toothpicks.
So he had to find a way to get himself a trolley. An old woman who had just finished shopping, came out of the supermarket with an overloaded trolley. Guido clutched the trolley and knocked it over so all goods were spilled all over the floor. The old hag started waffling, but Guido jammed his gauntlet with spikes into her face. Her denture fell clattering on the ground. Then he seized her with the few hairs she had on her head, and smashed her against the wall this way. She fell on the ground and stayed motionless.
He entered the supermarket, and because the entrance gate wouldn't open, he grabbed it and snatched it out of the floor. He dumped it into his trolley, for he searched a new gate for the fence around his house a long time. When he stepped through the passageway, he saw that it actually had been the exit.
He steered for a shop-assistant at the vegetable stand, and asked him where he could find bulkfood. The man looked suspiciously at Guido and asked "do you mean bulk articles?" Guido took a cucumber lying in the rack next to him and slapped it into the man's face, so that his glasses got smashed. Guido said, outrageous: "not bulk articles! I want bulkfood! BULKFOOD!" And with the latter words he jammed the cucumber into the poor man's throttle, and pushed him into a rack with half water melons. The shock caused the whole lot to collapse, entombing the assistant.
The lack of bulkfood in Guido's blood had turned him into a wild beast (Greek word 'therion'). He ran to a publicitary stand where a job student had to demonstrate a new kind of fat for deep frying. Guido seized the frying pan full of frying chips, yelled "GIVE ME BULKFOOD!", and tipped the whole mess all over the student's head. Of course the poor boy started screaming like a sucking-pig as he received instant third-degree burns. With an enormous force, Guido flung the frying machine at the meat-products stand. The thing, heavy as lead, landed just on an assistant's head. Her skull was crushed as if it were an egg's shell, and the brains got spattered all over the place. A part of them arrived in a meat cutting machine, and was cut into thin slices.
A professor in neurology, who had been observing the spectacle, immediately jumped over the counter in order to analyse the brain slices. Guido saw this, and he hated scientists. So he rushed upon him (he didn't jump over the counter, but just knocked it down, spreading all sauces, sausages and hams over the floor). He took the man with his head, adjusted the meat slicer at slices of 0.5 cm and slammed him with his head into it . While the man's head was cut into slices, accompanied by a loud rattling sound, Thiri said: "there, analyse your own brain!"
The second assistant did not flee, since she was paralysed by fear. Guido came running at her, foaming at his mouth. He took a thick smoked German sausage out of an intact part of the counter, and didn't jam it into the spot where you would expect him to, but he crammed it into her mouth. Then he filled her nostrils with green peppered Ardennian forcemeat. While the poor human being began to choke, he took a large butcher's knife and hewed her head off. "So, now your windpipe is free again," he said, and indeed, I can't put him in the wrong.
The neurologist's head had been sliced by half in the meantime, and to put the machine back to work, he just shoved the assistant's head in.
The master butcher had seen everything and walked at Guido with his largest butcher's knife. Guido however took with his one hand a large ham from a hook, and in his other hand he took a chipolatta (= long sausage). The butcher stabbed with his knife in Guido's direction, but the latter used the ham as a shield, and the knife got stuck into it. Now the butcher was disarmed, so Guido could easily strangle him with the chipolatta. Finally he smashed the entire meat stand to smithereens with the ham. He covered the walls with the slices from the neurologist's and assistant's heads, they kept sticking to the walls automatically. Why he did this might not immediately be clear, but things will become more clear if you just think of the hunter who nails a deer's head to the wall as a hunting trophy.
Guido urgently needed a decent weapon to defend himself against a troop of security guards who came running towards him. Luckily the "gardener's tools" section was nearby. He took a chainsaw and a retro-style-scythe, and went for the security with them. The guys just had blanks in their guns, and the consequence of this was that they did not manage to survive the following minute. Soon the bowels were spread all over the supermarket floor. To get rid of the waste, Guido put everything into a "shredder", a machine to grind wood into chips. The final product, in this case a mixture of blood and forcemeat, was squirted out through a kind of chimney on top of the machine. The walls and floor were besmeared with blood and meat over a surface of almost 100 square meters.
Next to the section "gardener's tools", was the section "sport". There Guido stumbled across a man who had been so scared that he didn't flee, like the rest. But what did Guido see in his trolley? A few boxes with the mention "BULKFOOD for cats and dogs". Thiri quickly grabbed a baseballbat out of the racks and started to process the man's head with it, screaming: "You dirty thief! Stealing my bulkfood, eh!", and went on this way until the man's head had turned into one big shapeless mess. He also smashed one of the boxes' covers and took a few mouthfuls from the repulsive dog food. He immediately got a new punch of energy and rushed for the exit. On his way he passed by the section "camping materials". There stood a fresh collection of gas flasks, from 1/2 to 20 litres, and he opened them all. Next he passed by the section "cosmetics", where he took some spray cans with hair spray.
He was mistaken again and took the fence of the entrance as exit. Luckily there lay a sledge hammer in the trolley of the man whose skull he had smashed, and with this tool he was able to turn the fence into a piece of scrap easily. In this manner he sorted triumphantly through the entrance although the exit, wide open, was only at three meters distance and very clearly indicated.
Some people tried to stop him at the glass doors of the supermarket to hold him until the police arrived, but Guido smashed the glass of the locked door by throwing the sledge hammer through. He took his spray cans and held his lighter in front of them, providing himself an excellent flame-thrower this way. He sprayed into the face of each person who tried to stop him. They ran away, yelling and screaming of pain. The old woman (whose denture Guido had socked out, you know) was still lying there. She just started to come back to her senses, but Thiri sprayed his cans empty all over her (he just hit the spray head off, causing the hair lacquer to spout out at high pressure), and finally set her on fire. The poor woman started to yell and to squirm, but soon lost her sense of consciousness again because of the lacquer vapours, and so she burned on in silence.
After having loaded his bulkfood in the trunk of his car, he got in and started the engine. Guido's car not only has five gears forward, but four gears backward as well, enabling him to drive backwards at speeds of more than 100 km per hour (62 mph). So he did, and this way crushed two more people who tried to stop him. He switched to forward again and drove away with squealing and damping tyres.
The gas from the camping flasks had been filling the entire supermarket in the meantime, and came out by the smashed glass doors at the front. Soon it reached the old woman's burning body, and the whole market exploded into an enormous cloud of fire, blowing over a police wagon that just arrived at the spot.
At last Guido came home, where he poured a ration of bulkfood in a bowl, and after having sprinkled them with white spirit he warmed them up in his microwave. And so he enjoyed his favourite meal.

12-1994, translated: 04-1997