ADVISORY
Warning: although these texts are not meant to be taken seriously at all, they do contain extreme and exaggerated gore, violence and cruelty against people of all age groups and animals. They are unsuitable for children under 16 years and other susceptible persons. Before reading any of these stories, first read the warning about the Weird Stuff section, and the disclaimer.

Mickey Mouse versus Guido Thirion

(not suitable for sensitive persons)

After Mickey Mouse got into low water due to a scandal with illegal slave-trade involving children, he tried to earn his bread and butter as a mercenary. One could for instance hire him to blow away one's mother-in-law, and he had most success with little children who could now simply have their little personal enemies wiped away.
One day after having shot a 5-month baby to pieces (the client had got tired of its screaming) with dum-dum bullets (bullets of which the top is split so that they smash open when they hit their target), Jo B. contacted him. He immediately paid him an advance of 5.000 BEF (± 135 US$) to slaughter Guido Thirion, and he promised another 20.000 when the job had been done. The reason for this was that Guido had intercepted a truck full of Chimay (a Belgian beer, Jo's favourite) and had blown it up, and this had made Jo extremely angry. (He didn't realise that Guido had done this to save him from another heart attack.)
Mickey understood that this wasn't what one could call easy. For Guido was a kind of “competitor” of his. But with fresh courage he started the preparations.
Mickey knew Guido was practically never at home, hence he started searching in the surroundings where Guido uses to be, more specifically: Salco (the school where he is a teacher). With his little Volkswagen ‘Beetle’ he came puffing onto the alley. Immediately he found proof that Guido had been there recently: over the full length of the alley were spread the bowels of one of Father Goris' sheep. The carcass itself lay in the bend at the end of the alley, it had undergone the typical “Guido-treatment” i.e. he had driven it over ten times with his car.
Mickey halted his rolling piece of scrap by colliding with Chris T.' BMW (Chris T. was the school principal at that time), which was parked in the bend in front of the main entrance as usual. Luckily for Mickey his super-bumpers of ferro-concrete (actually just some concrete bars he had mounted on his vehicle) absorbed the shock. Chris T.' car had to take most of the resulting kinetic energy, and although Mickey had been driving at a velocity of only 10 km/h (6.2 mph), both doors on the left of the BMW were smashed. He always had to stop this way because his brakes didn't work any more.
With an elephant-gun in his right hand and a riot-gun in his other, he stepped out of his Mickey-mobile, and André, the odd-job man, ran away frightened because he thought he had to deal with the cyborg from “Terminator II: Judgement Day,” for the latter could adapt each possible shape anyway.
Mickey entered the building through the side entrance in an attempt not to look suspicious. It was playtime, and Mickey knew from his young clients that Guido used to supervise the playing pupils. When he arrived at the playground, not a single pupil doubted that this was another stupid publicity stunt of “In 't Kort,” the school's periodical. Their opinions changed rapidly when Mickey emptied a magazine of his elephant-gun into a group of pupils who had started to laugh at him. Bowels, brains and skull-bits spattered around. Mickey's elephant-gun was the latest novelty when it came to elephant hunting. It was designed to pierce even the thickest skin and bone layers of an elephant. It made holes of 5 cm in diameter. Although there were only 12 bullets in one magazine, 16 dead bodies lay bleeding on the playground floor. The weapon was simply so powerful that one bullet could easily go through two bodies at once.
In the blink of an eye the entire playground was empty, except for the 16 corpses and two heavily wounded moaning pupils. The rest had fled in all possible directions. Mickey went up the stairs next to the studying hall and inside the corridor he suddenly came eye to eye with Johan “BOB” N., who immediately grabbed his notebook and said: “such extravagant clothing is not allowed by the regulations. Name and class?” But Mickey pulled the empty magazine out of his elephant-gun and flung it behind his back. Even when empty, those magazines are quite heavy and the thing smashed a hole in the double glass window of the entrance door. - “That'll be a Wednesday afternoon custody. I expect you back here with your school diary,” BOB said, while Mickey reloaded his gun calmly. He then pushed both his weapons against BOB's forehead, and asked: “Where is Guido Thirion?” - “He'll return in the afternoon. Name and class, please?” BOB said without bothering about Mickey's behaviour.
In the meantime Jan R. (vice-director and bookkeeper) had mustered up all his courage and had taken Father Goris' shotgun (which Goris uses to hunt cats) and now he came sneaking along the corridor carefully. Mickey was now within range, Jan levelled the gun and fired. But he trembled like a vibrator and the bullet hit a lamp above BOB's head. The plastic housing fell to pieces on BOB's head, and it was not until then that he finally understood there was something fishy about the situation. His suspicion appeared right when Mickey fired both his guns at Jan R. at the same time. Jan's babyface was busted open completely and his brains came flying out at the back, for Mickey had pointed at his head with both the elephant-gun as well as the riot-gun. The body stayed motionless for a moment because all muscles had been paralysed by lack of information from the brains which were currently spread all across the floor, but a new salvo pulverised both kneecaps. The shinbone which had been hit by the elephant-gun got torn off and slid on over the floor, leaving a trail of blood behind.
It wasn't BOB's lucky day, for his dog-face didn't please Mickey and therefore the latter took a hand-grenade and a tube of super-glue (cyanoacrylate, according to Jos L. the glue of the future). He smeared some glue on the grenade's surface and shoved it into BOB's mouth. BOB, known with most pupils as the “untouchable” Rambo, didn't even dare to budge. His legs trembled and shook, not like a vibrator but like a worn drill. The grenade was glued tight irrevocably now and Mickey glued both BOB's hands together behind his back as well. Next, he pulled the pin from the grenade. Calmly he walked away to the exit while BOB glued his own feet to the ground as well, because in his attempts to run for the teacher's room for help, he had stepped onto the tube which Mickey had thrown on the floor. Mickey kicked away Jan R.'s shot off shinbone, and at that same moment BOB's head was torn apart by the explosion. When the cloud of fire and smoke had finally faded away, there only stood a piece of leg in the shoe that had been glued to the ground. Outside, an enormous cheering and applause rose, for the pupils had observed the scene anxiously. “What sadists,” Mickey thought.
When he stepped out of the exit, he saw how Chris T. desperately tried to start his BMW to flee away. When he saw Mickey, he wriggled himself out of his car as fast as possible. He couldn't use the broadened left door, for that one was blocked by the collision, so he had to use the right door which was not specially manufactured to let his voluminous body pass. He ran away quickly towards the bicycle racks. Mickey however quietly stepped back into his VW, after having done something which Chris couldn't see. When he finally drove away, Chris was as pleased as Punch, for his BMW seemed to have survived this adventure quite well. But he suddenly turned pale as death when he saw 4 hand-grenades lying under his beloved vehicle. The next moment the car disappeared in an enormous blaze of fire. One moment the car appeared again because it was lifted up by the explosion, but immediately it dove back into the fire while bits and parts flew around everywhere. Thick tears rolled over Chris T.'s chubby cheeks when the fire lessened and a lump of distorted, charred scrap became visible.
In the meanwhile Mickey was tearing across the highway. He had already rammed 4 cars out of his way with his concrete bumpers, which he found so amusing. And what did he suddenly see tearing past at the other side of the central reserve? Guido's ugly car! Mickey immediately took a broad turn, ramming another Mercedes this way, and at 158 kph (98 mph) he slammed through the little concrete walls of the central reserve. His both rear-view mirrors, the right door, two rim-covers and his rear window flew off his car, but for the rest the thing kept driving perfectly. Luckily for him, a steel chassis and shockproof safety cage were built-in. With his feet on the gas he now roared in the other direction, following Guido's track.
A police car which was on its way to Salco, had seen Mickey smashing through the central reserve and now tried to overtake him. Although at the outside the VW looked like a piece of scrap ripe for the hydraulic press, yet it had an engine under the hood which held its own with a Ferrari's. But the cops had more experience in driving. (Actually Mickey had never taken a single driving lesson, which is why his car is protected against collisions so well.) When they were finally driving right behind him, Mickey detached his rear bumper. The whole front of the police car was crushed in a split second at the moment of the collision. A few hundredths of a second later the car somersaulted, producing a rain of components like rear-view mirrors, engine parts, half a ventilator and a deformed wheel. The car with the two cops still in it, unharmed because they were—exceptionally—wearing their safety belts, smashed upside down on the asphalt in the other section, straight between two trucks. The frontmost one transported steel plates, the rear one was a transit mixer filled to the brim. The steel truck driver stepped on his brakes immediately when he heard the noise behind him. The driver of the truck mixer however had such a fright that instead of braking, he pushed his gas pedal even deeper. The police car with the two poor cops in it was mashed and squeezed, even more effectively than in a hydraulic press. As if the police car wasn't yet annihilated enough, the piece of scrap exploded too during the crushing.
Of course both this incident as well as the block of concrete on the road caused an unimaginable concertina crash.
Guido had seen the police car flying and now he saw the enormous hell break loose behind him, and he didn't understand what could be going on. When he saw Mickey's roaring VW coming at him, he suddenly did understand what the situation was. Right before he had seen the somersault of the police car, he had taken a half litre can of Jupiler in order to empty it into his mouth, and now he flung it out of his window. It pierced Mickey's—yet bullet-proof—windshield and settled itself there, causing the Jupiler to flow all over Mickey's dashboard. Instantly Mickey fired with his elephant-gun, and Guido's rear window shattered to bits. It wasn't bullet-proof, but that wouldn't have made a difference anyway, except for the fact that maybe then the bullet wouldn't have left the car through the front window again, obliterating it as well in its path.
Guido took the exit at the Haasrode industrial zone, and Mickey followed. He slammed onto the express road and rammed another police car which was on its way to Salco too.
Guido had to get into the school at any cost, for all his “tools” were still there, he had left them there in the morning in order not to need to drag them along.
Mickey was right behind him again and fired, this time with his riot-gun. To Guido's stupefaction, his rear-view mirror was suddenly gone. Guido had a brand new edition of Melopee with him (the Dutch language course book), and now he flung that one through his window as well. Another hit: the book flopped open against Mickey's windshield, with the pages right on a comic of Donald Duck. Not only did this enrage Mickey, he also didn't see a thing anymore.
They now were at the cross-roads with the Geldenaaksebaan and Guido turned to the left, in the direction of Salco. Mickey was just able to see this and abruptly jerked his steering-wheel entirely to the left. This sudden turn at a velocity of 140 km per hour caused the car to make a double sideways somersault, but it arrived on its wheels again. Mickey now pushed his gas pedal to the bottom, and the Melopee book, which had arrived under one of his wheels, was completely torn to shreds when the wheel on top of it started to spin at 20 revolutions per second. With screaming tires Mickey drove into the Geldenaaksebaan. He saw Guido turning into the college's alley. A few seconds later Mickey did the same, but this time he took his turn large enough such that the car only tilted at an angle of 52°. He kept driving like this on his left wheels only, until he arrived at the roundabout where he smashed straight through the flower-bed. This decreased his speed enough to put him back on his four wheels. He turned to the left, heading for the entrance, and saw a new BMW. Chris indeed had ordered a new one immediately from the industrial zone after his former one had exploded. Mickey didn't ram the thing at once, first he drove around the square to gain some extra speed. At 103 km per hour (64 mph) he drove straight for the BMW. The collision was enormous. This time the VW gave way, the body detached itself from the chassis. But the BMW wasn't the better for it: it was crunched completely and smashed between the concrete bumper and a tree. Gasoline gushed from the freshly filled tank.
Mickey moaning crept out of his ‘car's’ wreckage. His pneumatic belt and airbag had saved him, although he was broken upon the wheel. All that had been lying in the VW had been flung out together with the windshield. Mickey picked up all his favourite weapons and stuffed his pockets with hand-grenades and magazines. André just came outside with a dustbin filled with Jan R.'s mutilated body and the collected pieces of Johan N. The school principal had filled the immense vacuum of Jan's absence by ordering an interim-vice-director at Gregg Interim (now Vedior Gregg Interim). André had been ordered to feed the body to Goris' sheep (they eat everything anyway), but at the sight of Mickey again he dropped the trash-can and ran back inside while Jan R.'s riddled head rolled over the asphalt. Mickey kicked it with all his might in the direction of the main entrance. Goal! A big blood stain decorated the glass doors, straight in the middle.
He took the trash-can back inside and went to put it into Chris T.'s office. He put a hand-grenade between the body parts and left the office again. Chris was actually inside the office, but he had hidden himself behind his desk as soon as he had heard Mickey approaching. Now he looked up again, and saw the dustbin standing there. The next second he was covered with blood, guts and lung chunks, and his whole office was smeared with other bowels. Chris couldn't laugh with this joke, because he had the whole room papered and re-arranged only recently. Suddenly he realised that he had taken a serious risk by parking his brand new BMW at the same spot, and he looked outside. When he recognised his car in the heap of distorted metal, he got a fit of hysteria and started to smash his office to smithereens while in the corridor resounded Mickey's sadistic laugh.
In the meanwhile Guido had found all his stuff in the teacher's room: a flame-thrower, a chainsaw, an Uzi 9 mm machine gun with dum-dum bullets and a super-tomahawk, made in Japan. At the ground floor, Mickey was searching everywhere. The school had been evacuated completely after the previous massacre. A single pupil who had hidden himself in the toilets the whole time, was now walking around at the playground. Mickey mounted a magazine with extra-expanding dum-dums into his riot-gun and pointed at one of the pupil's arms. The arm flew 2 meters far. The second arm followed and the poor pupil ran screaming over the playground, leaving behind a double trace of blood. Mickey first shot his right leg off. Now the body with the yelling head stood there, staggering. A last well-balanced shot separated the trunk from the last leg that remained for the pupil. Even before the body had reached the ground, Mickey already had fired at the—still screaming—head. Maybe it was due to the fact that there hadn't been much in the pupil's head to begin with, but in any case it popped open like a flask of ketchup which had been dropped from the Eiffel tower. This way Mickey had yet again been able to get some long overdue practice.
Guido however had been watching the scene from a window at the first floor and now he fired at the body with his Uzi 9 mm during just one second. With each bullet impact, a hole with 3 cm diameter originated, and after the twenty bullets had hit their target, only a shapeless heap of forcemeat was left on the playground floor, surrounded by a large puddle of blood. Mickey was impressed. He surely had to buy that weapon one of these days. He flung from under the shelter above the stairs a hand-grenade into the window from which Guido had shot. The explosion blew a piece out of the wall, and all windows in the walls between the classrooms and the corridor shattered. Guido however had ran to the other wing of the building and now he fired straight at the shelter with his Uzi. After a few moments there was a 2 meter large hole in the roof, and the shelter instantly collapsed.
But immediately after having thrown the grenade, Mickey had ran inside and had hidden himself in the secretary's office. There he waited until Guido came down the stairs. But the latter wasn't as stupid as he might look and he took the spiral staircase at the other end of the corridor instead. Mickey heard someone coming. He took his lighter which actually was a micro-flame-thrower, he quickly jumped around the corner and blew an enormous cloud of fire at the person. But it wasn't Guido, it was Paul D. Although the flame had barely touched him, still he burned like a torch. His entire body was on fire even though the little flame-thrower wasn't designed for that at all. Mickey was very surprised. Paul D. screamed like mad and he tumbled down the stairways like a flaming bundle of straw.
Guido had now reached the ground floor and he saw Mickey at the office. He fired a single shot with his Uzi, but missed: the bullet whizzed between Mickey's ears and smashed the statue that stood at the stairways going to the cellar. Quickly Mickey ducked back into the secretary's office. Guido came running towards him while he fired a few more shots at the doorway to keep Mickey from escaping. He arrived at the office and immediately emptied the rest of his magazine into it. The copier, the computer and the tables were blown to bits. Immediately after that he grabbed his flame-thrower and toasted the office until it had turned into one big blaze. But outside he heard Mickey laughing, for the latter had jumped out of the window just in time. Quickly Guido ran into the classroom next to the burning office. He suddenly ducked, because Mickey had foreseen this and fired with his elephant-gun. The bullet pierced the double glass panes of the window, the windows in the wall between the classroom and the corridor, and finally exited through the double glass of the other window. Guido smashed a hole in the window in front of him with his tomahawk, and stuck the flame-thrower through it. In the blink of an eye he had set the lawn in front of the class ablaze.
Mickey however had gone back to the wreckage of his car, which now together with the BMW sat in a huge puddle of gasoline. He threw away his empty riot-gun and took a double-barrelled machine gun instead. Guido now smashed the entire window and shot in Mickey's direction. The dum-dums caused a rain of sparks when they impacted the metal of the wreckages and Mickey was only just able to flee away when the puddle of gasoline caught fire. He emptied a magazine of his machine gun onto the windows of the classroom. Guido jumped under a bench to shelter for the rain of glass splinters. When the windows were all shattered, Guido climbed onto the window-sill and jumped through the window over the burning lawn, and in mid-flight he kept firing in the direction of the burning cars. The bullets went straight through the VW's body and pierced the jerrycans which were stocked in the trunk, and immediately a new explosion followed. The tree above the cars now caught fire as well.
Guido didn't see Mickey. He did see though the interim-vice-director's car driving towards the school. Because the man, a brother of Jan R.'s, didn't notice anything unusual, he quietly parked his car in front of the cloister entrance (which is actually forbidden) and stepped out. He walked into the direction of the school entrance. Guido saw the man's face and he was filled with horror and disgust, for the face was two times more horrendous than Jan's, it looked more like a foetus-face. Instinctively Guido grabbed his tomahawk and flung it towards the monstrosity. The weapon cleaved its skull in two, and both eyeballs popped out of their sockets due to the shock, and they rolled over the street. The body started to sway with its arms and ran about like a beheaded chicken because Jan's brother, just like the latter, had never used his brains and so his body was now perfectly able to live on without. Guido rushed at the creature with roaring chainsaw. He now beheaded it entirely, but the body kept running around imperturbably while the blood spouted out at the top. Guido thought that Mickey had to be in the side entrance and thus he steered the body towards it, after having crammed the gullet full of grenades.
The door stood open and the creature went inside. Immediately a few shots followed, but Guido could hear that Mickey wasn't in the narrow corridor hence was safe. Immediately after, the body exploded and both its pieces and other rubbish which stood in the corridor were blown out of the doorway. Guido ran to the main entrance and he was just able to duck into the receptionist's office before Mickey, who just came round the corner, fired a few shots at him. The thick glass doors shattered to pieces.
Now Guido was in a very critical situation. He couldn't run away since the office only had one door. Quickly he blocked the door with a photocopier. But nothing happened. He expected that the door would be blown to bits every moment and he would have to fight a duel to the death. But suddenly the window was shattered by a large packet. It was a packet of dynamite with burning fuse. Guido shot the door and the photocopier to pieces, jumped outside, and quickly ran into the corridor, because Mickey fired from outside with all his might.
The whole reception office blew up completely with everything on and in it. The walls were blown away and everything, the ceiling included, fell after the explosion into an enormous gap in the floor, which gave into the basement.
Guido understood that Mickey was equal to him considering strength, so he had to invent something to stop this useless fight. He wondered why Mickey was targeting him. Suddenly he remembered the truck of Chimay. He now understood that Mickey was just going after him for a reward from Jo, and not because he was a concurrent.
He quickly ran to Jan R.'s office and immediately he found what he was searching for in one of the lockers: an inflatable doll. Jan used it sometimes when he was bored on dull days. It was a self-inflating model. Guido took a permanent marker, and coloured the upper part of the doll's head black, and then he cut two circles out of black paper and stuck them onto the head with super-glue. The result looked like Minnie Mouse, or at least it had to pass for it. He heard Mickey, who had managed to get through the ruins of the entrance, and he stepped into the corridor with his doll.
-“Halt, Mickey, I have a hostage! One wrong movement and I blow her brains out!”
Mickey wasn't wearing his contact-lenses and really thought that Guido had hijacked Minnie. It was a fact that after she had heard of the scandal, Minnie had left Mickey and had picked up with Goofy since then, but Mickey didn't know about that.
-“Minnie! Do you still love me? I knew you'd come back!”
Guido immediately understood that Mickey's sight wasn't quite good, and with a totally failed imitation of Minnie's voice he said: “Oh Mickey, help me!” Mickey's ears were ringing so hard from all the explosions and gun shots that he really thought to hear the voice of his beloved one.
-“Mickey, call Jo and tell him to get lost, or you'll have to search another mouse!”
Mickey stood at the door of Chris T.'s office, and a telephone which Chris had flung outside in his attack of hysteria, lay in front of his feet. Chris himself had now become childish because of the shock and was sobbing onto a piece of Jan R.'s exploded skeleton while producing baby-sounds. Mickey picked up the telephone and dialled Jo's number.
-“Allo, with Chris B.?”
-“Hello, pass me Jo. It's Mickey.”
-“Mickey? Mickey Mouse or what? Do you think you're funny?”
-“SHUT UP, YOU BASTARD, AND CALL JO OR I'LL COME AND SLAUGHTER YOU!”
-“Err... ok, ok, all right, calm down!”
-“Allo, Jo B. speaking?”
-“Get lost, Jo.”
-“Ayé, Mickey, you aren't giving up, are you? That isn't the Roman spirit I learned you!”
-“Don't be such a bore, man, I can't  kill Guido. You can have back your advance, I give up.”
-“Ayé, that doesn't work! I have to revenge my Chimay! You can't just do thaaAAAARRGLL...”
For a moment there was some crackling and rattling and then the connection was broken. Jo had caught another heart-attack.
Guido had heard the moaning and the noise too, for his ears didn't sing, they were used to all the noise. He had been working with noisy weapons much longer and his ears had gotten used to it.
-“There, that's solved,” he said, and he pulled his gun's trigger. The inflatable doll popped and the two paper ears fluttered down. Mickey first thought that his “darling” had really exploded because Guido had pumped an explosive dum-dum into her, but when he didn't see a speck of blood he understood the whole situation.
-“You fooled me! I'll finish you!” and he pulled the trigger, but his elephant-gun was empty.
-“Hahahahahae! (= Roman laugh, see handbook ‘STVDIVM’ Latin 2nd class.) It's no use to shoot at me anymore you noodle, for your client is now lying home, almost dead, and he won't exit the hospital for the next 4 months. And he surely won't be willing to pay you since it was you who caused that heart-attack!” Guido said.
Mickey used his few brain cells to decode this sentence with Latin airs and he understood that it was no use indeed. But because money was the only thing that interested him, he said: “OK Guido, I'll leave you alone at one condition: that you give me 20.000 BEF right now!”
-“Look to your left, you mug, in that office you'll find at least a half million if you search between the rubbish well enough.”
Mickey looked into the red-spattered office of Chris T. and he just saw the latter shove a 10.000 note into his mouth, he had already swallowed three. Immediately he ran towards him and he saw that Chris took the notes from a drawer which was filled with them, all corrupted money which he had received as mayor, among others to offer certain inhabitants of his municipality important positions.
Mickey pulled the whole drawer out of the desk and took it outside with him, but little Chris started to cry because he was still hungry. To quiet him, Mickey put another packet of twenty 500 BEF notes in his mouth. He didn't even pay attention to Guido while he went outside.
His VW and the BMW were now half carbonised and had even partially melted in the enormous blaze of fire. The asphalt had even caught fire and the trees were burning like torches. If the fire-fighters didn't come fast enough, the school would soon follow.
He smashed one of the windows of the interim-vice-director's Opel and like a pro he fiddled open the contact and started the car. While he drove away, he overrode the sawn-off head of Jan's brother. The head was squished like an apple under one's feet, for Wim R. (that was his name) suffered from an avitaminosis disease: he lacked vitamin D and therefore his skeleton was a bit weak.
Mickey immediately headed for a weapon store, he had to get such an Uzi with dum-dum bullets at any rate.
In the meantime Guido had called the fire-brigade, for eventually he would lose a great source of amusement if the school would burn down. For Chris T. he immediately ordered an ambulance, because it was about time: the latter was trying to swallow the cable of his computer monitor and almost choke in it.
After that, Guido drove home. In the alley walked a pupil who had returned out of curiosity. The poor boy saw too late that the ugly car which came tearing towards him was Guido's, and both his legs were pulverised by the bumper. Since the car lacked a front windshield, the pupil ended up inside the car instead of being smashed to death. He was stuck in between the two front seats and screamed like a suckling-pig. At the end of the alley, Guido stepped on the brakes and this caused the pupil to fly out again. He ended up in the middle of the street, and coincidentally right at that moment a towing truck passed by on which the truck-mixer stood which had crushed the police car a while ago. The whole's weight was about fifteen tons, and the pupil got all that over him. He was rolled even flatter than a sheet of cigarette-paper, Guido couldn't have done it that well by himself. He enjoyed the spectacle and, satisfied with this exciting day, he drove home where he'd blow up some more street cats with radio-controlled missiles, a favourite pastime of his.

06-1995, translated 03-1998