The Guido Thirion Stories
If you like the short film ‘Bagman’, you'll probably enjoy these stories as they're basically the same but in textual form: extreme and exaggerated gore, limbs, brains, other body parts and way too much blood flying around in all directions. If on the other hand you have a lively fantasy and difficulty separating completely exaggerated fiction from reality, you might not want to read any of this…
Warning: although these texts are not meant to be taken seriously at all, they do contain extreme and exaggerated gore, violence and cruelty against people of all age groups and animals. They are unsuitable for children under 16 years and other susceptible persons. Before reading any of these stories, first read the warning about the Weird Stuff section, and the disclaimer.
I wrote these ridiculous stories long ago while being bored at school. ‘G. Thirion’ actually was a teacher of my former secondary school. Of course everything in these stories is pure fiction and totally exaggerated. I don't have any grudge against that teacher at all, and in reality he's anything but the kind of person he is in these stories. I just picked him because of the huge discrepancy between his true personality and the fictitious one. If you don't know him, just imagine him as a completely normal, friendly teacher of your school or other person, that will add the extra level of absurdity required to make these stories funnier.
On the occasion of putting the stories online, I refreshed the language a bit and added some spicy details here and there.
There were six stories in total, I only translated three of them. I won't ever put the other ones online because they are even longer than these, and I have better things to do than translating them. Moreover, even I frown upon some parts of the remaining stories nowadays. One of them involves ‘Thiri’ reading Mein Kampf and starting a killing spree inspired by it, enough said.
Most likely the English translations (made when my English language skills were still quirky) will contain grammatical errors and ill-formed sentences. Whoever feels the urge to correct these, can always mail me. Please DON'T mail me to whine about the content of these stories. I wrote them when I was about 16 years old, I'm not the same person anymore. If you want to complain to the person who wrote these stories, go build yourself a time machine.
Hint: Don't read more than one story a day, unless you're really aching for more. I don't want you to throw up all over your keyboard!
(En nu voor de Nederlandstaligen) Natuurlijk heb ik de oorspronkelijke Nederlandstalige versies er ook bijgegeven, want ik weet dat het met het Engels van de Belgen en Nederlanders niet altijd zo goed gesteld is. Ik moet wel toegeven dat het in het Engels wat sappiger klinkt, omdat daar zo'n leuke woordjes bestaan voor bepaalde handelingen.
Thiri and the Bus
This story is dated: December 1993. It's the very first ‘Guido-story’ I've written. I wrote it during the Christmas exams in a microscopic booklet of 3.5 by 5 centimeters (yes, I was really bored). Someday as a punishment I was given the assignment to write a text for language class, and I handed in this story (I believe this was the occasion where I converted it to typed text). The teacher actually was impressed, although not surprisingly he was somewhat disgusted by the content of the story…
Guido Thirion in the Supermarket
This story is dated: December 1994. It describes Guido's ‘shopping habits’ and his mysterious favourite meal.
Mickey Mouse versus Guido Thirion
This story is dated: June 1995. Don't ask yourself questions about the title, and surely not about the story itself.
The author of these stories declares not to agree with any of the ideologies or actions depicted in these stories. The personages in these stories are entirely fictitious and have nothing in common with the real persons to whom they may refer. Possible references are without any malicious intention. The contents of these stories may not be taken seriously in any way! If you are one of the persons referred to in these stories, read the Dutch disclaimer below.
De auteur van deze verhalen verklaart op geen enkele manier akkoord te gaan met de handelingen en ideologieën in deze verhalen. De personages in deze verhalen zijn volledig fictief en hebben niets te maken met eventueel werkelijk bestaande personen waarnaar zij mogelijk verwijzen. Eventuele verwijzingen zijn zonder enig kwaad opzet. De inhoud van deze verhalen mag op geen enkele manier serieus genomen worden! Indien u zich benadeeld voelt door deze teksten, contacteer mij en ik zal ze onmiddellijk verwijderen.